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Oh the internet, how you supply me with a never-ending stream of perfectly rant-able content. The latest slightly perturbing comment came from a mother (a human mother) who didn’t want to deny her dog all the wonderful joys of motherhood. She posed this question: Should I let my dog be a mommy just once before she’s spayed?

Let me think about this. No. Hell no. Definitely not. Absolutely positively no. Big f’ing no. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. If I haven’t covered this subject clearly enough here and here, I’ll do it again.

Stop breeding your pet dogs. Stop. No, don’t open your mouth, shut up and listen.

Side head tilt

Shutting up and listening – see my listening ears? Jasper is still available, btw, adopt him and don’t breed your damn pet dogs!

I wouldn’t actually be addressing this again but for the novel reasons people seem to find as to why they should breed their pet dogs. This is admittedly a new one for me. But don’t worry, I have thoughts on it, boy do I have thoughts.

Your dog does not care about being a mother. You know what she cares about? Eating and playing and maybe if you’re good to her, you, maybe. She would likely take care of the puppies because it’s instinctual but not even that is a guarantee (dogs reject their litters, not every one is cut out for motherhood).

Now look, I haven’t given birth, so I don’t know for sure, but from what I hear it’s pretty damn painful and bloody and gross. If it weren’t, people wouldn’t need long ass needles jammed up into their spine to help with the pain. What is so joyous about childbirth? Well, besides the endorphins that are probably kicked around because of the extreme amount of pain and the fact that you brought life into the world, which is a very high level thought, by the way, it doesn’t seem that joyous to me. And it probably doesn’t to your dog either.

What I have heard that is joyous however, is the experience of motherhood itself, you know, getting to watch little Timmy or Sarah grow up and shine and those proud moments like the first steps and sweet sixteens and going off to college and blah blah blah. You know what dogs don’t have? Any of those experiences.

Do you really think your dog is looking over her litter of pups and at week two thinking to herself – wow, pup A just opened his eyes, God is good! Unlikely. I know, dogs are people too, right? Except they’re not. Really not. Dogs eat the afterbirth (high in protein), and let me know when a human mother starts to chew off her own umbilical cord and then we can talk about comparing the two species in this regard.

Also, even if your dog did have the warm and fuzzies for each furry head that came out of her uterus, what do you think she will feel like when she gets those babies taken away at 8 weeks? You get to be a mother for your entire adult life (hopefully, God willing). She gets to be a mother for 8 weeks.

Oh and as if I had to say this: Meanwhile, shelter dogs die.

Don’t be an idiot. Don’t breed your pet dog.

Shelby inside head tilt

Yeah! What she said! Do I get a cookie for agreeing? I do, okay, great then! Preach!