Dogs are gross. Seriously, seriously disgusting. I think when they were created, they were made to be so adorable just to make up for the fact that they are literally one of the nastiest animals on earth (that may be an exaggeration, but for an animal that you allow to live in your house, I think this is a fair statement).
Okay, let’s start with the basics. How do dogs say hello to other dogs? By sniffing one another’s butts. Sometimes by licking one another’s girl and boy parts. Really? Even when you look at the science behind it and try to rationalize it in your mind – still gross.
I’m going to skip over the fact that they do their business in your house when they are small (and sometimes when they are older) and the fact that they have a tendency to decide to throw up on the carpet even when you drag them into the kitchen to throw up on the linoleum, because, hey, kids do that too (I have a whole other rant saved up about why kids are gross as well, but I won’t go there right now). But how about the fact that they not only do their business in your house, but then they sometimes eat it? And then they try to give you kisses. Yum. Oh wait, gross. Or what about the fact that they also choose to roll in the most foul-smelling substances they can find in your yard? The look of pure ecstasy on their faces while they do this is reminiscent of the best back massage known to man. Except imagine that massage in a stinking pile of cow manure – oh and you enjoy it too. You know what that makes you? Gross. And it makes the dog gross too.
There were two incidents in particular that led me to start observing how disgusting my dogs are. The first one happened a few days ago. I was sitting on the living room floor, grooming Smokey. When his brush got too full, I would pull all the hair off and set it on a paper plate by my side (to avoid getting up and causing Smokey to believe this ritual was all over). I was engrossed in brushing when a flash of tan caught my eye. I turned to my side and saw that there was a lot less hair on the plate than there was a moment ago. “Oh God, Shelby?” I got up, walked into the dining room and found Shelby laying on the floor, munching on Smokey’s hair. Ohhhh GROSS! By the time I got to her, she had a black beard and there was hardly anything left of Smokey’s grooming remnants, “Nasty puppy, nasty.” She barked at me to give her the hair back, then chased me to the kitchen as I threw it out and even went so far as to try and jump on the trashcan to get it out. Really, really gross.
The next night, I had a keen sense of the fact that my dogs were gross. I saw the behaviors everywhere. For example, we were sitting on the couch, and Smokey was tossing his deer antler around and around in his mouth. He would drop it on the ground and pick it up (gross in itself), and then flip it around and around some more. Finally, when he got bored with this game, he dropped the antler on the floor and went off in search of a new game. Shelby then proceeded to pick up that slobbery, nasty piece of antler, place it between her paws and gnaw on it. I started laughing and offered Joe the piece of gum that I was chewing on.
“What? Are you out of your mind? That’s disgusting!” He pushed my offering away, and I laughed even harder.
“Why? The dogs do it.”
So…as much as we love them, let’s take a minute and all share about how gross our dogs are.